Beginnings and Endings

Well today I clicked play. The jungle panned over the tablet's screen and birdsongs chirped through my speakers. "Welcome! to Akasha Yoga Academy, Chapter one". New beginnings are such a beautiful thing.

A few hours later, I'm packing my car and my spend-the-night bag for the final trip home. I guess now its just a bag, while the house echoed its silence harshly reminding me why I was leaving. Endings can be a beautiful thing too. One must clear the land to build a home. But God, I'm going to miss that view.

It's funny how you forget how high the cliff is until you're ten toes on the ledge and peering over. I forgot how breathtaking it is, and worse, how far that fall is. It was a walk in the park. Literally and figuratively. I saw the signs, we all do, but their eyes always seem to pool deeper than the average iris and boy do they make you laugh.

My bookshelves are lined with self-help books and inner work galore, but my problem has always been the next shelf down. The ever enticing, fantasy bound, romance novels. The prince charmings and happily ever afters. They get me every time. I mean, you can hardly blame me, our first date ended on a fountain, swinging our legs, and talking about god and psychedelics, and pouring out words like whiskey on the rocks. Strong and fast. It's funny how the words slow down when feelings get stronger. How our own self doubt seeps in and out and kills the spark because we are terrified of a forest fire when in reality it could just keep us warm. Now we're both just cold.

But I did it this time. I saw the pattern, I spoke up, a little too late but if you could only know how hard I tried. I chose me this time and I left the door open for love to come back. I finally uncovered my voice, and it's far from perfect. It's scared, and it cracks on occasion. Tears bubble up, and it's just learning to float. It still tries to hide but it hasn't gone far this time. It's far from perfect, but my God, It's finally mine. I found it. I had shoved it so far down underneath all the guilt and shame and sadness from the way I have let myself treat MYSELF. For how unyieldingly silent I had let myself become and for even thinking I must deserve it. For how many times I had muted my soul. Loving yourself gives you an endless well of love ripe for the taking. Nothing outside of you can shatter your foundation because you still have you. You still love you. Love will follow you wherever you are as long as you give it a soft place to lay and an open heart to reside in.

Walking away from someone you love, when you know they want to love you, when you feel it in your bones and see it in their eyes, but they just can't seem to find a way to love themselves enough to let you love them. When all I have ever truly searched for is love, walking away from the prospective possibility of it, while it looked at me with those eyes, and realizing this time I have to choose me. I want to choose me. I have always stayed at the detriment of myself. I would lose myself in other people's demons and find myself crying on my couch, wondering where all this love I had been pouring out ended up. That's where I found it. Poured out, gone, outside of me and I had held the pitcher.

This new beginning is about loving myself the way I have always loved outside of me. I will find solace and abundance in my own inner kingdom and sit so steadfast on my throne that everyone around me will see they can be royalty too. I want to take you on this path I'm carving out for myself. The universe has a funny way of providing you exactly what you need if you take the time to be thankful and look around.

In these past two months I have felt the waves of real love again. They tickled my toes and melted me into the sand. God I forgot how glorious it is to stand before it, to be submersed in it. I had almost given up on love, I'm sad to say, but not anymore. I found old friends, and new ones, and I found a yoga mat beneath my feet. I let my soul be heard and chose her when it came down to it. I have moved mountains inside of me and manifested opportunities around me. Now is the time for me to show myself just how much I truly deserve and my God this time I want to be seen and HEARD while I do it.